I write a lot of letters to people in my life for one reason or another. It’s not because I want to embarrass anyone…. it’s because sometimes verbalizing my heart and putting my thoughts on a page makes it easier for me to learn and let go.
I met someone a week ago – and I think he has the potential to be something real. We connect in a way that is different than the last handful of relationship that I have had. But sometimes when we talk, I think about T. I want to call him and tell him I need to know – because after 11 years I deserve a conversation that is true and honest and lays out what we are. And, as much as I want to know what’s in his heart – I also need to know what is in mine. I thought I had wanted something with him…. but I remember back to the last few times we saw each other and I wonder if the gestures I thought were romantic, were just misinterpreted.
Part of me wants to send that last text and wrap it up and cut it off. To say – This is it. This is the last chance I give you. This is all I have left for you. But… I am scared because it has been a long time and he will always have a piece of my heart. I’ve let him back into my life time and time again…. and I’m not sure why but I do. To close that chapter with T…. I’m not sure I’m ready. I want to be ready. I want to move on to whatever happens next. But I hesitate because I had hoped the next thing that happened was something with him. It hurts. My heart hurts.
A part of me wishes and hopes that T catches up with me, so we can be us…. and part of me knows that until I give myself closure, he never will. Why would he? I give him attention and love – and all for so little of his effort.
So. I’m waiting for my heart and head to catch up to each other… so I can give myself peace and focus on the next thing.