Basic Rules of One Night Stands

… no seriously.

Here is a list that my girlfriends and I discussed….

  1. Most important. I don’t care what you say – that condom is for you. Wear it.
  2. No food. No breakfast. No sitting at a table and engaging in trivial chitchat.
  3. I WILL kick you out before everyone wakes up. Ta-ta now.
  4. Absolutely NO showers. You can’t touch my towels.
  5. (Caveat to 4) Unless there is some really kinky shower sex going down. But, I find myself unattractive with my hair all plastered on my head and steamy from the water, so you gotta have some MAJ porn star qualities for me to let you fuck me in the shower AND touch one of my towels.
  6. I really don’t care about your phone number. Leave it, whatever, but rest assured I will never talk to you again. NEVER.
  7. Last names aren’t high on my list of things to retain so… tell it to me, or don’t. I couldn’t give a crap less.
  8. The minute you do anything remotely romantic, your ass is OUT. Don’t sweep my bangs off my face, don’t tell me I’m pretty (I know!!), and don’t try to cuddle me. All that shit gives me the chills.
  9.  I don’t really care if you see my dirty dishes in the sink, see my laundry all over my couch, or the fact that I might not have done my sheets in two weeks. I’m not cleaning up for you, since the lights will most likely never be on while you are in my apartment.
  10. If I so happen to be wearing some hideous granny panties and a bra with a rip in the lace? I really don’t care. I didn’t get dressed up for you, and it is NOT your birthday.
  11. If you say “thank you” at any point, you earn one face tingling slap. Two, and you’re out the door while I chuck your shoes out after you. I know I’m probably the hottest girl to get naked in front of you, so you’re welcome. But I already know this fact, so keep your stupid comments to yourself.

So ladies and gents… what are your one night stand rules?? Anything else to add to the list?

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