Doctor Warning Signs

Like any girl, I’m into smart and successful men. Girls, don’t kid yourselves by saying you are into someone just because of the way they are… the minute he changes from Dr. Hot and Sexy to Mr. Brokeass – you are no longer into him. Facts. Of. Life.

There are 4 warning signs that your Doc is a Dud.

Warning No. One: He goes around introducing himself as Dr. Blah blabity…. each and every single time to every single person. Doesn’t matter if it is the homeless dude, the taxi driver, anyone that looks his way? He tells them. He’s probably a little insecure about his rank in medical school, or he has a small penis. Either or… he’s compensating big time. BIG time. This was my ex Cam. To everyone. And he had a small penis.

Warning No. Two: He acts as if his profession is SO much more important and urgent than anything else you can possible accomplish. You talk about your tough day, he one ups you by saying his patient died or that he only slept 4 hours. When he gets paged, he acts like he is the only person on earth that can save the patient. Cam was a gastroenterologist, and the minute he would get a page he would trot off to the hospital like he was Superman on a mission. Cam, honey bun, you’re a colon/poop/etc. doctor. No ones poop is so urgent that you need to drop everything and run… Also you’re a resident, so most of the time you’re the camera-up-the-butt guy… no emergency is going to need your camera up someone’s butt first. Promise. Over inflated ego? Either he’s insecure, sucking up to an attending, or… ding ding has a small penis.

Warning No. Three: When he treats you like a moron. He exaggerates his pronunciation of words and explains things in really simple words. Eric (another dr ex) used to explain things so SO slowly to me, as if the slightest word would confuse me. And then ask “Did you understand that??” Listen. He either thinks you are a complete and utter fucking moron, or he thinks that he is SO… SO much smarter than he is. Since he thinks you are a moron or that he’s smarter… I mean. That can only mean delusions of grandeur, psychosis, and other psychological problems.

Warning No. Four: When the only thing in the world that matters is HIS WORK.I think this goes for everyone, but nonetheless. Eric was a research cardiologist, and he truly believed that his work was the most important, groundbreaking, and cutting edge stuff that would revolutionize medicine. It was the most important thing. On. Earth. He was obsessed. He talked about cardiology all the time. During sex, in the shower, on the phone, in the middle of a blow job. Now. What true red-blooded man talks about work during a blowjob? An idiot. That’s who. Obsessive behavior? He’s either really that in love with his job (which means there is no room for you in his life) or he has an obsessive personality that is currently on medicine. It could be you next. He could be the next man to make the news for locking you in his basement.


Follow this foolproof advice:

  • If you see one of these warning signs? Proceed with caution. Don’t commit until you’ve decided if he’s positive for any other the other warning signs
  • If you see two of these warning signs? Consider your options extremely carefully. And start to back out of the relationship when you realize the cons are vastly outweighing the pros.
  • If you see three of these warning signs? Cut and bail. Dump him and never look back. This is a situation where second chances are NOT okay.
  • If you see four of these warning signs? What in god’s name were you doing until you discovered all four fucking warnings? I told you to get the fuck out of there!
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