Monthly Archives: December 2012

Dentists

You know… there is something so vaguely sexual and illicit about getting dental work done. Maybe it’s because my mind wanders so endlessly… but I was thinking about this the other day. I was getting a molar filled (among my many flaws, terrible dentition is high on the list).

It was the top left one… all the way in the back. You know, that little fucker in the back of your mouth that is always caught up with too much sugar and fucking up your floss? Yeah… that’s the one I was getting fixed up.

Anyway – I get all drugged up and my dentist starts rolling that seat back. First it’s just so I’m lying at a 45 degree angle and he’s checking out the filling. And then as he starts to prep for drilling he pushes the chair even further back. I’m practically flat on my back and helpless as a lamb. He checks a couple things and then he rotates so he’s directly behind me and my head is between is knees.

Now. My head. Between. His. Knees. This sounds like the beginning of those dirty texts I send my boyfriends to rile them up (and convince them to buy me something new and sparkly). So. My head is between his knees, and my mouth is WIDE open. It’s numb. And he sticks a drill in my mouth…. it moves in and out and he splashes a little mouth wash on me… and goes “Whoopsies” before chuckling. Occasionally he says things like… “You need to open more” or “Hold on… I’m almost finished” or “Just a second…” or “Is this okay?”

And sometimes I have to mumble through his fingers and drill sticking in my mouth… “It’s okay. Keep going!” or “No… Stop!”

And you thought going to the dentist sucked….

 

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An Open Letter to Anne

Dear Anne;

A little over a year ago, you got married and shortly after the wedding you sent me an email. You told me that unless you told me that unless you got all of your frustrations with me off your chest, we wouldn’t be able to ever be friends again. I read your email. Then I read it ten more times. I was shocked because we obviously had misunderstood each other on an epic level. But I wanted to be friends, so I wrote you a long email in response. I addressed every single thing you mentioned. I apologized unilaterally for everything that you felt I had done… even things I know I would have never done to you. But, you clearly misunderstood and I felt sorry for that. I never would have wanted you to feel hurt or jilted by anything I did. After all, you were one of my closest and dearest friends. I was sorry that anything between us had gotten to such a horrible place.

I told you in my response email that I was more than happy to talk to you and hash out the details of your anger towards me. At the time, I felt none of the anger and resentment that I know you felt for me… In fact, I was heartbroken that my dear friend was so unhappy with me. I wanted to fix it… so I said sorry. I said sorry so many times.

However, you responded with the cruelest response and chastised me once again as if you deserved yet another apology when I had all but scraped my knees in apologies.

So when you texted me the day I was taking the bar exam… I had nothing to say. A year had passed since you accused me of being such a terrible person. I spent the entire year with my spirit dampened and my heart broken because you had hurt me so badly. Did you ever think about your cruel words? How it might have affected me? Because I did. For someone with little tears, I cried. Losing your friendship was one of those most emotionally taxing and painful experiences I’ve had in the last few years. It took a long time for that sharp pain to subside, but even then I feel a twinge whenever I see something or remember something we had done together. I still do, which is why I struggled so much after you reached out to me during the summer. I didn’t know what to do.

A few days ago you reached out to me again. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I thought about it. And you know what the conclusion I’ve come to? I want nothing to do with you.

I tried so hard and for all my efforts to heal our relationship you simple broke me because it suited you. I doubt you considered how cruel you were to me since you were focused on all of these things that I had supposedly done to you. I tried. I said I was sorry… and you still careless broke my spirit. You couldn’t have been more cruel.

I have so much more to say, but I know if I remember all of the cruelty and heartbreak you subjected me to, it will be hard for me not to be sad for a long time again. I have so much sadness because of this whole thing, and for this reason I can no longer do this. You will never see this letter, but this letter isn’t for you. This letter is for me. This letter is my good bye to that chapter where we were friends. This is me, letting go of that horrible burden and sadness. This is me… moving forward.

To the next chapter…

-H