I feel weird about anything that doesn’t have a definitive start and precise finish. I like having things that are clear and boxed up so I can understand them clearly… but I’ve recently learned to be less squeamish about things that aren’t clear to me from the outset. I’ve learned to accept life’s surprises, big and little.
My childhood friends’ mother recently passed away. It was sudden, unexpected, and sad. I don’t like surprises. I especially do not like sad surprises. While I know that there was nothing I could have done, I also feel extremely guilty. I had not seen our family friends in years, and I foolishly believed that my studying at law school was more important so I put everyone aside. I kept thinking of her, but I was busy thinking about myself, and put those thoughts aside.
My first year of law school, my boyfriend’s father passed away suddenly and I skipped the funeral to go to class. I later sat shiva… but I still feel guilty about not cutting class because that funeral was really more important than the dull civil procedure class I chose to attend instead (and ended up getting a shitty grade in anyway).
It’s really shitty that it’s taken me so long to realize that keeping relationships with family and friends are really much more important than anything else. Having your people around you is more important. Making and keeping relationships are just as important as anything else.
Anyway… I felt a little weird this week. Thinking about the dearly departed… things like that.