Monthly Archives: September 2013

Shallow and Vain

I went to a party this weekend.

One of the boys (I know, they are men, but to me they will always be boys) made a comment about how he gave his wife a “keep the wife busy” project. And when I inquired further, he said that she spent the entire day shopping and wandering around their spacious 9 bedroom penthouse… so he decided to give her a “little project” so she would stay out of his hair when he was off at business. Please keep in mind, we were all out on a Saturday and his wife was nowhere to be found. When I asked… he said that “Wives belong at home.”

He then made some offhand comment that the little “project” was a boutique in Soho and he loved it because she was on her feet all day and she was thinner and hotter than ever. He commented that when she stayed home all day, she ate sweets and had gotten a little “cushy” around the middle.

Then he asked me what I do… and I couldn’t help myself and said I had a “little project” too and that I was glad I had it because I didn’t want to get “fat and unattractive.” A couple snotty comments later, and he left the party in a rage.

I make no claims that I am not shallow or vain. I know with absolute certainty that I am a little shallow and a little vain. Maybe a lot. But the point is, that everyone thinks about their appearance and it concerns us. However, despite my concerns about my appearance and superficial things like this… I dislike any comments like this boy made about his wife.

These snotty comments about his wife just got under my skin… so much so that I went out of my way to deadpan him into a rage. I couldn’t help myself. I don’t even know this woman, but I was immediately at her defense. Why? Because, this man? This jackass? He is a nightmare, and an absolute horror to be married to.

I get it. You’re rich beyond belief. Your wife is 10 years younger, hot and gorgeous. You’re a hotshot in whatever shit finance field you are in. You were big man on campus 10 years ago when we were in undergrad, and you still expect the co-eds to be throwing their panties at you. And yes, your hot blonde secretary will probably try to bone you. ALL that aside, how could you talk such shit about your wife? Because if I understand this correctly – you think she’s your play thing and stupid enough to need to rely on you for everything. You know what that sounds like to me? You were even stupider for marrying her.

So listen, you punkass DICK, you might think talking down on your wife makes you look macho, but it makes you look like a spineless shit. You pathetic excuse of a man. You aren’t man enough to go home to your wife and behave like a good husband, instead you come out order $10k of bottle service and talk shit about your wife to other women. Maybe those other girls will still throw their panties at you… but me? I’m not interested. Fuck you and all of your bullshit. I hope she divorces you and CLEANS you out… I don’t know her, but I know she doesn’t deserve that shit from you. Better yet, you give her my phone number, because when it comes time for her to need a lawyer? I’m going to help her eviscerate you.


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Being the “Other” One

Cate recently discovered that her current prince charming is not so charming after all. Charming is apparently a bit of a snake and Cate is his girlfriend on the side. In fact, Charming has 2 children and has been happily married for 14 years. He’ll celebrate his 15 year wedding anniversary with his wife the weekend before Charming and Cate celebrate their 2 year long term relationship.

Understandably Cate is pretty pissed off, but she is still planning on celebrating their 2 year anniversary.

I wonder about Cate. This is not her first married man, and I imagine not her last. A couple years ago she was involved with yet another married man who had 3 kids and had been happily (well… kinda) married for 15 years. She told me that before that she was involved with a man who was engaged to someone else.

Let me be clear… I am not passing judgment at all. I just wonder. I’ve been hit on by my fair share of married or otherwise attached men… but their unavailability makes them unattractive to me. I simply don’t find them the least bit attractive because of that overriding factor of being married. However, I’m told that some people don’t consider this an issue.

How? Why? What?

Explain this to me!

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On Finding True Love

My long time friend, Corinne and I have recently been talking a lot about finding true love. She told me about her long time loves, and the people she has fallen in love with… which got me thinking about the concept of love. I don’t know if I have ever been “in” love with anyone.

I have never willing said the words “I love you” to a boyfriend… and yes, you read that correctly “willingly.” I once conceded to saying “I love you” because I didn’t want to argue. Isn’t that horrible? But after refusing to meet Chris’ parents, move in with him, have sex with him, meet his colleagues, act like his wife, marry him and the whole other litany of bullshit – I conceded on those silly little words.

For him “I love you” involved following my every move and never leaving my side. He was obsessed. He would appear at parties I attended and get into violent arguments with any man that looked my direction. He would insist that I was the “love of his life” and the only “true love.” He insisted so vehemently that it was “love” that he felt. So I said it back, because I wasn’t sure about my feelings yet but I was certain that he would be irrational if I refused to say it.

Eventually I was sure of my feelings, and so during an argument when he asked “did you ever love me?” I couldn’t lie. Because, I finally knew that I didn’t not feel love, and that his version of love was not the same as mine. He married quickly thereafter, finding someone whose idea of love was the same as his.

I was angry and confused for a long time after because it seemed so strange that someone could be in love with someone and then another so quickly.  It was strange to me that I had such a negative reaction to Chris’ falling in love and marrying someone else so quickly, especially since I never did nor never would reciprocate his feelings for me. It made me question whether love is forever, because at the time the only thing I believed about love was that it was forever.

My idea of love is constantly evolving with the years that pass, the relationships I weather, and the people I meet. I’m not sure what true love is exactly, but I do know one thing. Love is a lot of work.

I know this, because a long while ago I felt what could have been true love. A close friend and I became romantically involved, and I kept it quiet for a long time. At the time, I felt like I was experiencing something so beautiful and wonderful that I didn’t want to share it with anyone, lest they ruin it. Unfortunately, he misunderstood and thought I did not care for him in the same way he cared for me. It hurt him deeply, and by the time I realized… the damage was done. We reconnected again, but the timing was off and the relationship was too much work for either of us to fathom. We became lazy, and the less work we put into being together, the tinier the beautiful feelings became.

For a long time I believed that he was my true love, but I think now, he is simply my lost love. I don’t write too much about him because he holds a special place in my heart, and he changed my view on love immensely.

I have no answer to how to find true love. I’m not even sure if I know what true love is, but I know that love is a different story for every person. I understand that love is never the same. I understand that love changes. Most of all I understand that I will find someone that understands what I think love is, and when I do, that will be my true love.


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A Special Kind of Broken Heart

A few weeks ago, a Jon told me that he had a girlfriend. I almost dropped the phone.

I asked a bit more about his relationship and continued our normal peppy conversation before we hung up. I didn’t want to pick a fight, so I just pretended like everything was normal. But, the truth? I was shellshocked… and my heart broke a little.

I know the friendship between a man and a woman is always complicated… doubly so when they have been romantically involved in the past. But, I always believed that my friendship with Jon was special. We dated way back when, but when it came down to it, we were simply better friends.

The truth is that I do love him. I love him for no reason at all, but simply because I do. But, maybe it is because I love Jon that I was so disappointed when he told me about his girlfriend of two years. Maybe it is because I thought I knew him so well that I felt so deceived and hurt when I realized that he did not value my friendship the same way that I valued his.

I tried to characterize my feelings to one of our mutual friends… but he didn’t understand. He asked me “Are you jealous because you are in love with Jon?”

I can honestly say that I am not IN love with Jon, I simply love him as a person. And, if I was in love with him, he would be mine and not anyone else’s.

But, for a friend of nearly a decade to hear about a serious girlfriend of TWO years was a shock. And I would be lying if I said it didn’t break my heart. I truly want Jon to be happy. I want him to get everything he wants in life. I want him to find his person and be happy. I don’t want anything to hurt him.

We talk at least once a month, if not more frequently. He’s visited me several times in the last two years… and yet never a peep about the girlfriend. Never a word otherwise. Over the last decade, I have seen and heard most of Jon’s most embarrassing stories and listened to his heartbreaks. And he has heard mine. We have been fast friends… or at least I believed it was so.

So, when I learned of something as important as his girlfriend, two years after the fact… I felt deceived, lied to, and all around hurt. It was as if our friendship meant nothing to Jon. It was as if Jon didn’t care at all.

One of my friends suggested that perhaps he didn’t tell me because he was hoping that I would come back to him, that maybe I still loved him like I did when we dated. That he still held a candle for me and that was why he didn’t tell me about the girlfriend.  Another friend suggested that maybe it just slipped his mind.

Whatever the reason, whatever the premeditation for not bringing up once in the last two years of talking, visiting, and being friends… I’m hurt. It’s a different kind of hurt. It’s a special kind of broken heart that comes with the realization that maybe you’ve misjudged someone and maybe you’ve given your love to someone that never deserved it in the first place.

I  feel deflated because I’ve wasted a piece of my heart on someone that never valued it anyway and I question whether I should ever value that friendship again.

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