A Special Kind of Broken Heart

A few weeks ago, a Jon told me that he had a girlfriend. I almost dropped the phone.

I asked a bit more about his relationship and continued our normal peppy conversation before we hung up. I didn’t want to pick a fight, so I just pretended like everything was normal. But, the truth? I was shellshocked… and my heart broke a little.

I know the friendship between a man and a woman is always complicated… doubly so when they have been romantically involved in the past. But, I always believed that my friendship with Jon was special. We dated way back when, but when it came down to it, we were simply better friends.

The truth is that I do love him. I love him for no reason at all, but simply because I do. But, maybe it is because I love Jon that I was so disappointed when he told me about his girlfriend of two years. Maybe it is because I thought I knew him so well that I felt so deceived and hurt when I realized that he did not value my friendship the same way that I valued his.

I tried to characterize my feelings to one of our mutual friends… but he didn’t understand. He asked me “Are you jealous because you are in love with Jon?”

I can honestly say that I am not IN love with Jon, I simply love him as a person. And, if I was in love with him, he would be mine and not anyone else’s.

But, for a friend of nearly a decade to hear about a serious girlfriend of TWO years was a shock. And I would be lying if I said it didn’t break my heart. I truly want Jon to be happy. I want him to get everything he wants in life. I want him to find his person and be happy. I don’t want anything to hurt him.

We talk at least once a month, if not more frequently. He’s visited me several times in the last two years… and yet never a peep about the girlfriend. Never a word otherwise. Over the last decade, I have seen and heard most of Jon’s most embarrassing stories and listened to his heartbreaks. And he has heard mine. We have been fast friends… or at least I believed it was so.

So, when I learned of something as important as his girlfriend, two years after the fact… I felt deceived, lied to, and all around hurt. It was as if our friendship meant nothing to Jon. It was as if Jon didn’t care at all.

One of my friends suggested that perhaps he didn’t tell me because he was hoping that I would come back to him, that maybe I still loved him like I did when we dated. That he still held a candle for me and that was why he didn’t tell me about the girlfriend.  Another friend suggested that maybe it just slipped his mind.

Whatever the reason, whatever the premeditation for not bringing up once in the last two years of talking, visiting, and being friends… I’m hurt. It’s a different kind of hurt. It’s a special kind of broken heart that comes with the realization that maybe you’ve misjudged someone and maybe you’ve given your love to someone that never deserved it in the first place.

I  feel deflated because I’ve wasted a piece of my heart on someone that never valued it anyway and I question whether I should ever value that friendship again.

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