My long time friend, Corinne and I have recently been talking a lot about finding true love. She told me about her long time loves, and the people she has fallen in love with… which got me thinking about the concept of love. I don’t know if I have ever been “in” love with anyone.
I have never willing said the words “I love you” to a boyfriend… and yes, you read that correctly “willingly.” I once conceded to saying “I love you” because I didn’t want to argue. Isn’t that horrible? But after refusing to meet Chris’ parents, move in with him, have sex with him, meet his colleagues, act like his wife, marry him and the whole other litany of bullshit – I conceded on those silly little words.
For him “I love you” involved following my every move and never leaving my side. He was obsessed. He would appear at parties I attended and get into violent arguments with any man that looked my direction. He would insist that I was the “love of his life” and the only “true love.” He insisted so vehemently that it was “love” that he felt. So I said it back, because I wasn’t sure about my feelings yet but I was certain that he would be irrational if I refused to say it.
Eventually I was sure of my feelings, and so during an argument when he asked “did you ever love me?” I couldn’t lie. Because, I finally knew that I didn’t not feel love, and that his version of love was not the same as mine. He married quickly thereafter, finding someone whose idea of love was the same as his.
I was angry and confused for a long time after because it seemed so strange that someone could be in love with someone and then another so quickly. It was strange to me that I had such a negative reaction to Chris’ falling in love and marrying someone else so quickly, especially since I never did nor never would reciprocate his feelings for me. It made me question whether love is forever, because at the time the only thing I believed about love was that it was forever.
My idea of love is constantly evolving with the years that pass, the relationships I weather, and the people I meet. I’m not sure what true love is exactly, but I do know one thing. Love is a lot of work.
I know this, because a long while ago I felt what could have been true love. A close friend and I became romantically involved, and I kept it quiet for a long time. At the time, I felt like I was experiencing something so beautiful and wonderful that I didn’t want to share it with anyone, lest they ruin it. Unfortunately, he misunderstood and thought I did not care for him in the same way he cared for me. It hurt him deeply, and by the time I realized… the damage was done. We reconnected again, but the timing was off and the relationship was too much work for either of us to fathom. We became lazy, and the less work we put into being together, the tinier the beautiful feelings became.
For a long time I believed that he was my true love, but I think now, he is simply my lost love. I don’t write too much about him because he holds a special place in my heart, and he changed my view on love immensely.
I have no answer to how to find true love. I’m not even sure if I know what true love is, but I know that love is a different story for every person. I understand that love is never the same. I understand that love changes. Most of all I understand that I will find someone that understands what I think love is, and when I do, that will be my true love.