A few days ago, someone told me that I “must be the happiest person” they had ever met. I smiled and thanked them before walking away… even though I wanted to cry.
I have always been happy. I never felt the need to dwell on things that made me feel anything less than happy. I never felt that things that made me angry or sad deserved my attention. I let those things fall away from me. I just walked away.
Recently though, I’ve been struggling with happiness. Most people I meet only know how happy I am… and many of my friends are the same. I’m perpetually happy, and most shockingly I never cry (well… not where anyone can see anyway).
Maybe it is because I have always been happy, that the fact that I am so unhappy these days is even more taxing. I don’t feel comfortable with my own anger and I feel even less comfortable expressing my irritations with anyone else. My unfortunate mood has simply compounded because no one seems to understand that the perpetually happy friend they have also feels anger.
I met with a friend for brunch, and he poked me and say “What’s wrong with you? You’re never angry.” While true, it made me even more furious… I am a person too. Sometimes I am just not happy. Sometimes I need to be angry and be unhappy. Sometimes putting that smile on my face makes me want to peel my own skin off. Dramatic, right? But that is the rage I feel when my friends don’t seem to understand and don’t make the effort to understand.
I’ve never been good at expressing emotions other than happiness, and for the most part, all I ever felt was happy… so these days I am struggling with my feelings.
Last night, I woke up in a fury at 3:00am after falling asleep at midnight. But I woke up, and I felt completely and utterly furious. I don’t think I had a reason, but I just felt such anger. I drove myself to a park, sat in the car, and screamed at the top of my lungs. It was so silly, but it made me feel better that I could put that furious rage someplace.
There is absolutely no point to this post. It’s just an observation… everyone is just human… and sometimes we are just not all that happy.