Monthly Archives: December 2013

Making It Work

I was always taught that if I wanted something that I had to make it work. If I wanted it, I would MAKE it work. I have been known to be willful and refuse to give up when I want something… and I have been known to go out of my way to make something work the way I want. To a certain extent, this quality has been an asset, but sometimes I think it isn’t.

I think in all kinds of relationships you need to put a certain amount of effort into developing and fostering the relationship, but there comes a point to when “making it work” is simply moot. I wonder a lot about this these days. I have been running into little scraps with friends and the guy I’m currently dating… and sometimes I wonder if putting the effort in to making these relationships work is worth it.

For someone like myself, who is notoriously happy with being alone, it seems burdensome to put so much effort into fostering relationships that seem to only irritate me.

On that note, I hope you all have a wonderful New Years!

 

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Schedules and Spontaneity

I am a schedule person. I like to know what is going to happen next. I like making plans. I like booking flights. I like knowing things in advance. Last minute plans drive me insane, and I’m disinclined to make time for people who make last minute plans that interrupt mine. I spent the time to make my plans… and if YOU can’t then I simply don’t have time.

My family is extremely trying because their lack of planning. Plane tickets are purchased days before flights, plans are made the morning of, and they don’t communicate… so I find myself haranguing people for their plans and their schedules so I can work things out. It drives me insane.

This week has been especially trying because one of my sisters has decided to be difficult and enrage my parents… She’s escaping in a day to spend time in Europe with her boyfriend, against my parents’ wishes. She’s an adult, but I have never felt the need to actively hurt my parents when they ask me not to do something. When they question my actions, I simply stop because it has never been worth the fight to me.

But, I’m sitting here on Christmas Day and I’m angry beyond belief. I never disobeyed my parents, and now that one of my sisters has decided to throw everything into chaos, I’m sitting holding the bag. My parents are angry and I have to hear all the angry words… even when they aren’t mad at me. I wonder if I could just be that hurtful… sometimes I wish I did because maybe I’d be less angry right now.

Anyway, on this bitter and angry note, I will wish everyone a happy Christmas. I hope that the time you spend with your families is filled with good things and cheer.

 

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Sleep. Eyes Open and Closed

I have always struggled with time… I never feel like there is enough in a single day. I fight with the clock all day, because I want more of those minutes that the ticking hands steal from me. When I was a child, I used to wake up in a RAGE when I realized how much time I had wasted sleeping. I slept little, eyes open and sparkling because I always had something I wanted to do.

Recently, it’s been the opposite. I hope that the day passes fast, and I just want to close my eyes and wait until everything passes. I’m exhausted emotionally and I feel the need to nap all the time.

Today, I slept sprawled on top of my books, and only woke up when my toes started going numb. I realize that I need to make a change to bring back the happiness and light to my life, and I know I can, but I’m just so tired.

 

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To Be Wanted

Recently, I’ve been thinking about the idea of being “wanted” by the person you are with.

One of my good friends is dating someone that I know with certainty does not “want” her. In fact, he’s repeatedly cheated on her… but I guess she “wants” him so she’s willing to stay next to someone that doesn’t give her an inch. She wants him more than her dignity, but he wants all of the other girls plus her.

I’ve been seeing someone for the last couple months, and I’ve been thinking a lot about him too… I wonder if he “wants” me the way that I want to be wanted. I want someone who actively chooses and wants to be with me above all else. I want someone who wants all of the good and the bad. I want that.

I don’t think that love is enough to be married, but that each person has to “want” to be married and to be in love with each other.

I’m still not sure on this “want” thing… but these are the things kicking around in my head.

 

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On Trying

My family and I made the trip to Korea in October to say good bye to my Grandfather. Despite the unhappy circumstances, my mother told us that we must try to be happy and remember all of the good. She took us shopping and sightseeing, and even in her heartbroken state she managed to smile at all of the beautiful things around us.

It was really a lesson in “trying.” I noticed most of all that the women in Korea “try” a great deal more than those that I know in the US. Most are dressed impeccably and made up perfectly. I didn’t see a single person that wasn’t “dressed.” Here in the States, you see a lot of bedraggled mothers, and college students roaming the stores in sweats, PJs, flipflops, and other less than attractive gear… but not a single passed my sight on the streets of Seoul. For those of us who travel, our choice in gear is yoga pants, floppy shirts, and comfortable sneakers… not the case even at the bus depot first thing in the morning.

Anyway, I have been making much more of an effort every single day since. I think that the outward appearance of being put together also helps one stay on point in other aspects of life also.

You know what I’ve learned about trying? It takes a great deal of effort.

That is all… I bet you thought this was going to be some thought provoking write up… but it’s not. I’m staring at a pile of dry cleaning and a giant mound of laundry from my efforts of trying. Now… where to get fur cleaned?

 

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Define This “THING”

My friend, Jana, once pulled me aside at a bar and told me I needed to have the DTR with Jason, the guy I was dating at the time. I laughed, told her she was too intense, and walked off. I was a little perturbed by her insistence that I needed to “DTR” or “Define The Relationship” when I thought it was pretty obvious. We were together… pretty clear, no? But, I guess Jana was right, because just as a year crept upon Jason and I, I realized he didn’t think of me as his girlfriend. The “break up” was downright ugly, but I was glad when it was over. Turns out, I needed to have told Jason what page we were on, because he was on an entirely different one.

Regrets abound with that, but I realized after that relationship (if you could even call it that) that people need to talk and be on the same page. I have long assumed that my actions speak loudly enough for people to understand me. I tend to be pretty closed-mouthed about feelings and the like, but I had always believed my actions were enough. Apparently not.

Shortly after, I met Chris, and he insisted on talking about everything… literally EVERYTHING. He told me about all his feelings and how he felt about things, always. The relationship didn’t work out for a lot of reasons, but I did get a sense of what defining a relationship meant… because Chris wanted desperately for me to define our relationship.

Anyway, relationships have come and gone since, and with each I understand a little bit more about what I want, and what I care about. I’ve learned that I’m not really big into having these intense conversations about defining the relationship. I like to see where things go, and let it organically happen, as opposed to a forced and uncomfortable conversation that I am loathe to bring up.

My friends tell me that I am good at embracing “gray” areas in relationships, but I think that I am good at just waiting to see.

What about you? What is your idea of defining a relationship?

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Starting the New Year

I decided today that I am starting my New Year early. I’m starting today, and in honor of doing so I finally laced up my running shoes and took a lap around the neighborhood.

I started 2013 with the disappointing news that I had to take the bar exam again, and from there, I simply couldn’t tear myself away from the funk. I spent more time in bed watching online TV reruns than I will ever admit. I spent a really inappropriately long time just lying on my back staring into space… and when I wasn’t doing that, I was blindly purchasing anything I could because I felt a little better whenever I bought something pretty. I let the summer slip through my fingers, and when I received news that a good family friend passed away I couldn’t let go of the feeling that it was all such a waste. A few weeks later, my family and I received news that my Grandfather was ailing. We made plans to leave, but I had the kind of flu where drinking water hurts. We postponed our plans, but by the time we were in the air, it was too late. He passed away before I could hug him and squeeze his hand. We were just too late.

 I will be forever thankful that I was able to pay my final respects to my Grandfather. But, as I stood by while my family and I buried our patriarch, I swallowed the regrets that threatened to choke me.

I returned from the funeral with every emotion in the rainbow. I’ve never been good with emotions other than happy and furious… so it was a struggle to realize that I just wanted to cry. I had spent most of the year feeling like my wings were broken, so I was just so tired when we returned. I was angry. I still am angry.

I realize that to most people it may seem silly to say TODAY is MY New Years.. but it is. I made my resolutions this morning. I pushed away the anger… I promised myself that 2014 will be about being happy and healthy. That’s it. I need a fresh start, and this seems as a good time as any. I’m ending 2013 with Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday.

I’m ending my 2013 early, because I need an extra month in 2014 to make up for the saddening year I’ve had. So.

Happy New Years to all of you. I hope 2014 brings you everything you wish for. Most of all, I hope that you chase what makes you happy… because that’s exactly what I plan to do.

 

 

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