My friend, Jana, once pulled me aside at a bar and told me I needed to have the DTR with Jason, the guy I was dating at the time. I laughed, told her she was too intense, and walked off. I was a little perturbed by her insistence that I needed to “DTR” or “Define The Relationship” when I thought it was pretty obvious. We were together… pretty clear, no? But, I guess Jana was right, because just as a year crept upon Jason and I, I realized he didn’t think of me as his girlfriend. The “break up” was downright ugly, but I was glad when it was over. Turns out, I needed to have told Jason what page we were on, because he was on an entirely different one.
Regrets abound with that, but I realized after that relationship (if you could even call it that) that people need to talk and be on the same page. I have long assumed that my actions speak loudly enough for people to understand me. I tend to be pretty closed-mouthed about feelings and the like, but I had always believed my actions were enough. Apparently not.
Shortly after, I met Chris, and he insisted on talking about everything… literally EVERYTHING. He told me about all his feelings and how he felt about things, always. The relationship didn’t work out for a lot of reasons, but I did get a sense of what defining a relationship meant… because Chris wanted desperately for me to define our relationship.
Anyway, relationships have come and gone since, and with each I understand a little bit more about what I want, and what I care about. I’ve learned that I’m not really big into having these intense conversations about defining the relationship. I like to see where things go, and let it organically happen, as opposed to a forced and uncomfortable conversation that I am loathe to bring up.
My friends tell me that I am good at embracing “gray” areas in relationships, but I think that I am good at just waiting to see.
What about you? What is your idea of defining a relationship?