Monthly Archives: September 2014

On Waiting

After a drawn out fight, Matt asked for a few days to figure out what he wanted… and asked that I think about the same. I took it seriously, and took two days off from work to seriously consider what I wanted. I’m in a weird part of life where I have to decide what I want in my professional and personal life… and it’s a lot of moving parts to think about.

I checked in with him three days after we took the beat to think…. and nothing. Four days…. still no response. Finally… it’s 5 days and he tells me that he’s been busy and “forgot” to tell me he needed some more time. I asked “when?” and he told me “sometime this week.”

It might seem so silly to be impatient on waiting a week or two for someone to decide what they want… but I waited a whole summer. I waited a full 3 months plus a couple weeks. I waited for him to come back after spending a whole summer studying abroad… I’ve waited and waited.

So this extra week… these extra couple days for me to wait for him to decide if he wants me… it feels like an eternity and it feels unjustifiable because I waited. I waited. I feel like he can’t just change his mind because we had a fight because he asked me to wait 15 weeks… and I waited an entire season of going stag to weddings, work events, and whatever else because he wanted me when he got back. So I waited because I wanted him too. I waited. I was patient. I waited.

And at the end of this miserable waiting and holding back all of my emotions and my insecurities – I’m being asked to wait again. This waiting… it’s not endearing at all, in fact it’s breaking me.

I’m just a few days from being done with the waiting. I want someone who wants me the same way that I want them. I want someone who loves my opinion as much as they love theirs, and someone who loves and protects my time as much as they protect theirs.

I’m just not sure that waiting is a good demonstration of any kind of love. Instead, it tests how much love I have left… and I’m beginning to realize that it is very little.

Flakes

I started dating Matt in the late spring… and then he spent the summer traveling abroad. Before he left, we talked about continuing our relationship. But, no pressure… we would see how it would go.

Over the 8 weeks he was gone, we messaged nearly every single day and video chatted whenever we happened to be awake at the same time. The 12 hours time difference made it difficult to chat much, but I would wake up to messages from him and it was just very sweet. Four weeks into his trip, little bits of our very new relationship began to flake. I felt I needed more – and he renewed his efforts to charm me. A week before Matt was due to be back, I was excited that he was coming back. The anticipation was thrilling and exciting… but on his return trip he came down with a bad case of food poisoning and wasn’t up to our plans. I stopped by to drop off water and snacks for when he was feeling better, but the moment I saw him I felt a wave of disappointment. It had just been to long and I didn’t know if I still felt as strongly about him as I did before the summer.

It has been a few weeks since his return, and I think he felt the flakes and waning interest too. We spent more time talking to each other when 6 thousand miles and 12 hours of time separated us. We had dinner, but I felt more flakes peel off our relationship.

I’ve been trying – dusting away the hesitation and disappointment…. but I think we might be over. Sigh*