On Waiting

After a drawn out fight, Matt asked for a few days to figure out what he wanted… and asked that I think about the same. I took it seriously, and took two days off from work to seriously consider what I wanted. I’m in a weird part of life where I have to decide what I want in my professional and personal life… and it’s a lot of moving parts to think about.

I checked in with him three days after we took the beat to think…. and nothing. Four days…. still no response. Finally… it’s 5 days and he tells me that he’s been busy and “forgot” to tell me he needed some more time. I asked “when?” and he told me “sometime this week.”

It might seem so silly to be impatient on waiting a week or two for someone to decide what they want… but I waited a whole summer. I waited a full 3 months plus a couple weeks. I waited for him to come back after spending a whole summer studying abroad… I’ve waited and waited.

So this extra week… these extra couple days for me to wait for him to decide if he wants me… it feels like an eternity and it feels unjustifiable because I waited. I waited. I feel like he can’t just change his mind because we had a fight because he asked me to wait 15 weeks… and I waited an entire season of going stag to weddings, work events, and whatever else because he wanted me when he got back. So I waited because I wanted him too. I waited. I was patient. I waited.

And at the end of this miserable waiting and holding back all of my emotions and my insecurities – I’m being asked to wait again. This waiting… it’s not endearing at all, in fact it’s breaking me.

I’m just a few days from being done with the waiting. I want someone who wants me the same way that I want them. I want someone who loves my opinion as much as they love theirs, and someone who loves and protects my time as much as they protect theirs.

I’m just not sure that waiting is a good demonstration of any kind of love. Instead, it tests how much love I have left… and I’m beginning to realize that it is very little.

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