Monthly Archives: February 2015

How Did I Get Here

…. I’m having one of those days where I just wonder where I made the turn to end up here. Do you ever have those moments where you are like…. how the FUCK did I end up here?

I had that today…. my favorite telephone buddy called me and I had nothing to say. In fact, I just wanted to take my terrible mood out on him and tell him to fuck off and never call again because in my 10 year plan, he wasn’t included. No… No distractions were included. The meandering wasn’t including. So. How. The. FUCK. Did I get here??!

That’s all. I thought I’d share.

Chip Chop

I sat in the chair, watching as she combed my hair down straight… and thought “Just cut it all off” but instead I smiled and said “A trim, please. Maybe 3 inches?”

Why?? Why? Because, as much as I hate to acknowledge it, he likes my hair long. No… he LOVES my hair long. The first time he saw me after a hair cut, he bemoaned my shorter locks. He pulled the rubber band out of my hair, running his fingers through the barely shorter locks, and told me “Never do that to me again” before kissing me softly.

So, why, after a failed relationship with another man, am I thinking about what he likes? Why do I care about his opinion? We don’t talk every day, or every week… but he always calls and I always answer. Why? I don’t know either. There are so many Whys.

We’ve never been in a relationship… and yet we are. Whenever something happens, he is first to know… I share my heart with him. Maybe it’s because our hearts, souls, and minds connect with each other that we can’t seem to let each other go… and maybe he is the reason that I’ve ended three relationships, and still can’t cut my hair off.

I wonder about this.. it’s a small sacrifice. Long hair vs. short hair. Such a small thing that isn’t important at the end of the day, but I wonder about these sacrifices that I make without realizing or thinking about it. Am I simply hurting myself? Or am I putting someone else’s happiness before mine? Should I even make these decisions because of someone?

Then I think… he almost took a less prestigious job with less pay to be closer to me. I was against it, but I still wonder if he had made that sacrifice. It’s a scary thing to think that I could influence someone to make such a huge sacrifice without even asking… what if I had asked?

It’s scary… because I’m simply annoyed by my longer-than-desired ponytail. So I wonder… what would a bigger sacrifice would feel like?

We Broke Up

And I feel free.

I think a lot of it had to do with me, more than him. Our timing has always been shit – and I think it was a relief to know that we are finally on the same page. It was the most civil break up I have had. I cried a little, I was scared to let go… but in the end I am happy I did. I’m happy that we will be friends, and we had a civil end to our relationship.

I’m sad, because we tried so hard and because I wanted it to work so badly. But… I’m also happy knowing that I’m not holding him back and I’m not holding myself back because of him.

It’s a weird mix of emotion – but I am happy and free.

I truly, truly wish him all the best in life and the future. I hope he gets everything he ever hoped for and more. I hope for all good things for me… and all the good things for myself too.

Maybe this is part of being a mature person… or maybe we just understand each other. Either way. Happy.