Monthly Archives: June 2015

Dear Matt;

My love… you’ll probably never read this letter but I’m writing it anyway.

When we first met, I wasn’t sure about you. But, you were a perfect gentleman and so funny… so when you asked me for a second date, I said yes.

I was a little broken when we met. I was sad, and trying to get out of a complicated situation. I was unhappy and angry with a lot of things; and I felt like I couldn’t escape it. So when we met, and your bright smile and happiness made me forget a lot of why I was so angry and upset… I felt like I wasn’t so bitter anymore. And after meeting you, the crappy things in my life started to turn around a little. I got a job that I wanted, I passed a really difficult exam I had been struggling with, and I had you. I felt like I was getting everything I wanted, and I felt some of my anger and sadness dissipate.

Your sweetness towards me was unconditional. Even when I was mean, angry, and stressed – you stood by me. You believed in the good in me, even when I couldn’t see it. You would kiss me, make me laugh, and then grab my hand to march off to the fun you had planned for us. I loved when you would surprise me with a kiss on the cheek, and hold my hand.

So, when you told me that you would be away for the summer, I knew I could wait. I knew you were worth it… after all, you were the person that brought back so much happiness in my life. But, things started falling apart. A few weeks into the summer, I began to realize the job was miserable…. and I missed you so much more than I could have imagined. The unhappiness and anger that I had when we met came flooding back.

I tried to focus on you, because I knew that you could make me happy… and I know how selfish that was to depend on you to cheer me up, and take away all of the anger and pain I had. I became absorbed in how to solve my miserable job situation, and becoming more and more unhappy with your absence…. You know what I regret? When you finally came home to me…. I was so angry and sad and frustrated – and I took it out on you. I was mean and cruel…. and you just let me be. And, I knew my behavior was alienating you – and that distance I felt between our hearts killed me. And I acted worse and worse because I wanted what we had back – those perfect moments together before the summer started.

I never considered how difficult your life was too… how much you had to work, and try, and struggle. I was only focused on how hurt I was and how angry I was. I don’t know if I ever asked you about what was happening in your life – and if you told me, I don’t know if I really listened the way you listened to me.

We broke up twice… and each time you took me back. I knew I was being irrational, and unstable – but I just couldn’t stop acting like such a petulant brat. My anger consumed me…. and it made me neurotic. I was convinced you were lying to me, convinced you were hurting me on purpose when we misunderstood each other…. I was convinced you would leave me. I wanted more from you, and I know you couldn’t give it to me. I expected you to rise above and put me first. To love me more than you could…. to make me happy again. I expected more from you at every turn, even when I knew you were trying. I kept thinking about how much I had to work and suffer and make time for us – not thinking that you were doing the same.

Then, finally, in an attempt to alleviate the pressure on myself and our relationship, I quit my miserable job. I was happier, and you seemed happier to be with me. I started getting interviews for jobs I really wanted, and that would put me on the right track. Things were going well… and it seemed like a really good job offer would be forthcoming. I was excited and happy… and the day I was set to receive a formal offer, the company was abruptly sold by their parent company. My offer disappeared, and I was back to being depressed and angry and resentful.

We tried for a few more weeks…. and when you told me you would be away for almost 4 months again – my heart broke. I knew we wouldn’t make it… I knew I couldn’t handle it again. But most of all, my heart broke because you told me how unhappy you had been and how you just needed the time to heal and be happy again. That killed me.

I knew I had to let you go, because my unhappiness was only contributing to your own and I couldn’t have that. We’ve never had good timing – and I think if you and I had met in another time in our lives, we would have one of those epic love stories. But it’s just not meant to be… timing was not our friend and my unhappiness bled into our relationship.

You taught me so much about being a good partner – because you were a great one to me, even when it hurt you. Our relationship taught me a lot about me too and what I want in life and relationships. You pushed me to be a better person, and for that I will always be thankful. I will always be thankful for you trying to pull me out of my unhappiness… and I will always be grateful to have met you.

I love you dearly, and I hope you find someone who can be your light, your love, and make you happy.

-H

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And Just Like That

I woke up this morning and my first thought wasn’t you… and I was thankful.

Just like that.