We were celebrating together, and I knew that my feelings for him were real… scary real. So when he asked me, if I had seen someone since I had met him, I told him the truth. Yes. I had and I had been seeing someone when I met him.
I remember the details of that conversation so vividly, even though it was me that had drank most of the wine at dinner. I remember thinking to myself as I let the words escape my mouth “I could love him and I want him to love me the same way – with all my flaws. I want him to know it ALL.”
Maybe it was too much…. because with Eric I let him see every single good and bad part of me. I let Eric see all the ugly parts of me, and he had made me feel like it was okay to have those pieces of me. I never loved Eric, but I let him see all those parts of me that I kept neatly tucked away… and he loved me anyway. He loved the angry, the mean, and the ugly in me…. and he would chuckle whenever I brought out of worst temper. He would put me in my place and fight right back when I was being unfair.
Maybe it was wrong of me to think that I could have it all with Matt…. I thought that he would want to know all of me. I thought that he would love me even though there were some broken pieces and some pieces were ugly. I thought about trying to keep a secret from him, and I didn’t want to. I wanted him to see me. So, when he asked me if I had been with anyone since we had met… I couldn’t lie. I didn’t want to lie. I wanted him to know my heart.
I didn’t consider how selfish it was to just dump all of my baggage on Matt. I didn’t realize that I was hurting him, and that was truly selfish and cruel.
I don’t have an answer for whether telling a hurtful truth is worth it. I don’t know if keeping a secret is worth it. I don’t know if omitting these hurtful truths is worth it…. I have no idea.
The only thing I know is that I will always be haunted by the look that I got when I told the truth… even when I knew it would hurt him… and how I felt when I realized that he might not love me despite my flaws and the crippling insecurity that he might think less of me.