There are a few days, every once in while, where I can’t catch my breath because I think of you.
And in that breathless moment, I think about all of the mistakes that we both made and all of the possibilities I saw for us. Little flickers and images of what could have been hide behind my eyelids, and they drop away in teardrops.
Sometimes I have to stop myself for reaching for your hand in my sleep, or for the phone when I want to hear your voice. I remember the months we spent apart, and how I would call your voicemail just to hear your voice and feel a little bit closer to you.
I remember how desperate I was for your love, and how I felt your heart slip away from mine… and how that made me so so crazy. We did a lot of mean things to each other.
I remember a lot of the good and a lot of that bad. And I know each time I can’t catch my breath – we just don’t work together. It’s bad timing and all of the shitty things we did to each other that heap into a mound that is insurmountable.
I know the “we” won’t ever be again and I worry that you won’t want me to be a part of your life… your friend. Because if I can’t have you as the light in my life and heart – I want and need to be your friend at the very least. Sometimes a little voice tells me we aren’t friends… and I hate that little voice in my head.
Today is another one of those days where I woke up and I just missed you.