11 years

In August of this year, it will be 11 years since I first saw T. He was slouched over in class, ear bud in, beanie pulled low over his hair, and just so adorable.

And, even though I was so attracted to him, I wasn’t sure how to approach him. So I sat quietly, taking my notes for the first several weeks of class. I had my moment when he missed class, and so I hand wrote a copy of my class notes and gave them to him.

We spent some time together, and after a couple missteps I decided that he wasn’t actually¬†interested in me. I was torn on whether to pursue him…. indecision kept me in limbo until I met someone else. So, when this other guy showed interest in being my boyfriend, I took it. Because… I was young and I really just wanted a boyfriend.

T tells me that he tried to reach out a couple times after we graduated college, but I don’t really remember. What I do remember is being in law school (4 years after graduation) and getting a random text message from him…. and I remember being torn again. I was sitting in my then-boyfriend’s apartment watching tv…. and T’s message popped up on my screen and I didn’t know.

In between school and being indecisive, I never answered. I forgot about it for a little bit…. and then in the midst of studying for the bar a couple years later, he texted me again.

It’s been a weird four years – he dated some other people and I dated some other people. But, we’re back here where we are talking, spending time… and I am just not sure.

It’s been a 11 years… and I just don’t know. Maybe we will always just been in this weird spot until one of us breaks and verbalizes what we want… maybe this is it…. maybe it was never meant to be more.

I don’t know… but I do know… I’m confused.

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