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Letters

I write a lot of letters to people in my life for one reason or another. It’s not because I want to embarrass anyone…. it’s because sometimes verbalizing my heart and putting my thoughts on a page makes it easier for me to learn and let go.

I met someone a week ago – and I think he has the potential to be something real. We connect in a way that is different than the last handful of relationship that I have had. But sometimes when we talk, I think about T. I want to call him and tell him I need to know – because after 11 years I deserve a conversation that is true and honest and lays out what we are. And, as much as I want to know what’s in his heart – I also need to know what is in mine. I thought I had wanted something with him…. but I remember back to the last few times we saw each other and I wonder if the gestures I thought were romantic, were just misinterpreted.

Part of me wants to send that last text and wrap it up and cut it off. To say – This is it. This is the last chance I give you. This is all I have left for you. But… I am scared because it has been a long time and he will always have a piece of my heart. I’ve let him back into my life time and time again…. and I’m not sure why but I do. To close that chapter with T…. I’m not sure I’m ready. I want to be ready. I want to move on to whatever happens next. But I hesitate because I had hoped the next thing that happened was something with him. It hurts. My heart hurts.

A part of me wishes and hopes that T catches up with me, so we can be us…. and part of me knows that until I give myself closure, he never will. Why would he? I give him attention and love – and all for so little of his effort.

So. I’m waiting for my heart and head to catch up to each other… so I can give myself peace and focus on the next thing.

 

 

 

 

11 years

In August of this year, it will be 11 years since I first saw T. He was slouched over in class, ear bud in, beanie pulled low over his hair, and just so adorable.

And, even though I was so attracted to him, I wasn’t sure how to approach him. So I sat quietly, taking my notes for the first several weeks of class. I had my moment when he missed class, and so I hand wrote a copy of my class notes and gave them to him.

We spent some time together, and after a couple missteps I decided that he wasn’t actually interested in me. I was torn on whether to pursue him…. indecision kept me in limbo until I met someone else. So, when this other guy showed interest in being my boyfriend, I took it. Because… I was young and I really just wanted a boyfriend.

T tells me that he tried to reach out a couple times after we graduated college, but I don’t really remember. What I do remember is being in law school (4 years after graduation) and getting a random text message from him…. and I remember being torn again. I was sitting in my then-boyfriend’s apartment watching tv…. and T’s message popped up on my screen and I didn’t know.

In between school and being indecisive, I never answered. I forgot about it for a little bit…. and then in the midst of studying for the bar a couple years later, he texted me again.

It’s been a weird four years – he dated some other people and I dated some other people. But, we’re back here where we are talking, spending time… and I am just not sure.

It’s been a 11 years… and I just don’t know. Maybe we will always just been in this weird spot until one of us breaks and verbalizes what we want… maybe this is it…. maybe it was never meant to be more.

I don’t know… but I do know… I’m confused.

 H, at the end of the day, three things are undeniable
You are smart
You are hardworking
And you are a good person
Sometimes those things manifest in material success, often they do not.
You might not have the same material trappings, but you are excellent
… sometimes he knows just what to say.

Deep Sigh

There are some days where the only thing I have is a deep sigh.

 

After all this work – after all the tears, sweat, and money…. sometimes I look back and rage consumes me. What was the point?

I willingly sacrificed my social life, love life, and all of the fun my colleagues were having for this mythical career…. and now I feel like I have nothing.

 

GREAT.

The Best Of Me

When I ask people why they are in relationships with the people they are with, I inevitably get a variety of answers… but my favorite is when people say “They bring out the best in me.”

I love it because there are parts of me that I have learned to accept, but there are qualities that I like to diminish. I’m not normally a jealous person, but there are some people that bring out that quality in me… and it is not a quality I aspire to have as a main part of me. So, the people that enhance that quality in me, tend not to last too long because I find it to be a bad quality to amplify in my personality.

There are people, like my friend Angie, that encourage and enhance my studious and meticulous side. And, I adore her because of many other qualities – but because she does amplify the good qualities, I find her to be an important person in my life.

I wonder a lot about this in relationships – or when I first meet someone. I think…. do they bring out the good in me? Or do they bring out a quality in me that I find unacceptable?

I met someone a few months back, and he’s sweet and nice. But every once a while he will just step right in it and I get so annoyed. Yesterday, I hung up on him because he irritated me so badly and I didn’t want to explain. So I hung up. Not good.

Today, I talked to Matt, my ex, and he insisted I make time for him when I’m very busy next week…. and again the annoyance bubbled up… and my annoyance normally is expressed in one or two ways – 1. A serious lecture about why that annoyed me and a warning not to do it again. or 2. FURY. I just hang up or I’ll say something extremely mean.

Both of these mild annoyances resulted in the latter reaction from me – a quality I find unappealing – and while I know that I am an adult and I should be able to control my feelings… I couldn’t in the moment.

So I wonder – perhaps these two influences in my life are not good ones since my normal level headed approach to things is tossed out the window and I get so so annoyed.

I want someone that makes me the better version of myself.

What do you look for in your other half?

Letting Go and Giving Up

Eric and I have been friends going on 4 years now… he is one of the few friends that I can tell you the exact time, place, and moment we became friends. And we have been fast friend since the moment we met.

He and I are both in between jobs right now, and we’ve been talking about finding the motivation and drive to move forward in our lives. He told me that his dream was to always find someone to travel the entire world with… and if he couldn’t have that person, he would just want to travel the globe.

The converse is true for me, I think…. I want to travel the whole world and see everything. But if I didn’t get to, and at the end of my life I was still holding hands with the love of my life and we lived a good life together, I don’t think I’d have a single regret.

It was weird to say that out loud… even weirder to type it out here… as if it makes it more true or real.

 

Dear Soul Mate

We haven’t even met yet and we are already in a fight.

I thought by now, I would have found you and you would have found me… but it hasn’t happened yet.

Maybe you’re waiting until I am happier and more settled to find me – and maybe I’m looking in all of the wrong places. Maybe you’re taking the scenic route to me.

Whatever the reason is… we are in a fight. What is taking so long? Hurry up and find me – because I’m ready for the next chapter with you.

Love;

Your Impatient Soulmate.

 

What Floats

It’s so interesting what ends up floating to the surface when things don’t go well.

I spent months and months missing Matt, and coming to the disappointing conclusion that we had bad timing and I had messed up in some way. I knew that I had made some mistakes and errors in judgment when we were together – and I knew I hurt him immensely. So I spent the last few months, coming to terms with the fact that some things just don’t work out… and even more heart breaking – that I messed this one up.

But, then, as Matt and I were talking… we were trying this thing called “friendship” – I finally understood that it was just as much his fault as mine… and the person I thought I was in love with was gone. He was a figment of my imagination.

I knew the minute he told me that if I wanted to be friends that I needed to stop seeing other people, and not date while we were friends.

At first, I thought I had misread his text message. Who tells an ex-love that they cannot move on with their life if they want to remain friends?

I read the text again and again – before asking him to clarify. He told me “I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately… and I know we are just friends, but the idea of you with somebody else kills me. So basically, I don’t know if I can have you in my life in any capacity if you are seeing somebody else.”

And when I said I just wanted to be friends, and if he didn’t want to because he needed to not be hurt – that was fine. He then told me that he wanted to be “more than friends” for a short period of time because that would help him get over the “betrayal” that I had committed.

 

Everything I believe about him disappeared…. he wasn’t the man I thought he was. He wasn’t the person I had fallen in love with. He couldn’t be.

Maybe I had made up the wonderful man I had fallen in love with – but I knew instantly that whoever that person I remembered wasn’t there…

All that was left was this angry man, who wants to, until the bitter end, win at our relationship.

He’s gone and whoever is left is this angry, unhappy, and mean person.

 

Some days

There are a few days, every once in while, where I can’t catch my breath because I think of you.

And in that breathless moment, I think about all of the mistakes that we both made and all of the possibilities I saw for us. Little flickers and images of what could have been hide behind my eyelids, and they drop away in teardrops.

Sometimes I have to stop myself for reaching for your hand in my sleep, or for the phone when I want to hear your voice. I remember the months we spent apart, and how I would call your voicemail just to hear your voice and feel a little bit closer to you.

I remember how desperate I was for your love, and how I felt your heart slip away from mine… and how that made me so so crazy. We did a lot of mean things to each other.

I remember a lot of the good and a lot of that bad. And I know each time I can’t catch my breath – we just don’t work together. It’s bad timing and all of the shitty things we did to each other that heap into a mound that is insurmountable.

I know the “we” won’t ever be again and I worry that you won’t want me to be a part of your life… your friend. Because if I can’t have you as the light in my life and heart – I want and need to be your friend at the very least. Sometimes a little voice tells me we aren’t friends… and I hate that little voice in my head.

Today is another one of those days where I woke up and I just missed you.

so fucking annoyed.

just about everything is annoying me.

why do people feel like i want to hear their snotty opinion?! because, I definitely fucking do not.

RAWR.