Tag Archives: Life

The Truth About Silence

Silence has always been an important part of my life. My parents used silence in different ways. My mother’s quiet silence was terrifying, and always signaled her displeasure at something I had done. My father’s silence was measured and his attention was always focused on work… so when he broke his silence to speak, his words were golden.

And, me, as a curious child I loved the silence of the library because I could sit quietly and discover a world outside of my own. Silence meant that I could escape into the pages of the books surrounding me… I loved silence because the truth always seemed apparent when it showed itself.

In high school, I learned quickly that words are not always the best way to demonstrate truth in an argument. Instead, steadfast silence in the face of irrational, angry, and nothing-to-lose arguments always won out. A teacher once asked me why I didn’t stand up for myself in a barrage of insults from a classmate, and I remember thinking with such clarity how foolish my teacher was to not understand that jumping into the jumble of angry words and fighting didn’t make me any more right. I calmly told her, “I don’t need to explain the truth. It is the truth.”

Over the years, I have felt silence around me, and understood that the discomfort that people feel with silence speaks to a deeper underlying discomfort with the thoughts in their minds. I, too, have felt discomfort in silence when my mind is busy with unhappy thoughts, so I understand the inability to sit in silence.

I’ve recently found that the same silence that I have embraced as a child and as a student, is the same silence that I despise in relationships. With all that happens in life, when seeking a partner in life, I have discovered that silence is something I dislike and makes me unhappy. I want there to be communication between us, verbal or otherwise.

I’m seeing someone who is silent on the topic of his emotions, his life, and anything outside of telling me how beautiful I am to him. It’s been silence from him over the last few days, and I realized something in this silence.

I care for him deeply, and I love him for a lot of reasons. But, I don’t love him enough. There is something to be said about love that overcomes the once insurmountable, and I don’t have that for him. When I see him, he needs someone that loves him for everything he is and will become. He needs someone to help him become the man he wants to be, and I know that I am not that person for him. I want to be that person, because he healed me when we met when I was broken and sad. I want to be that person for him, but I can’t because I feel pieces of myself erode trying to be that person.

With silence comes the truth – maybe that’s why we live in a constant barrage of sound and stimuli. We flood ourselves with music, color, and distraction so the truths that hurt us are drowned out. I think I tried to do the same with him… I tried so hard to chatter away the silence, and to be the person I wanted to be for him and that he needs in his life. But the truth of the matter is that I don’t have it in me, and I’m too selfish to give up so much of myself for him… because I just don’t love him enough.

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Why I Don’t Believe in “Minority” Networking Groups

My friend recently told me that she was joining a minority networking group, and asked if I participated in any of the minority groups when I was in undergrad or in law school. I said no and she was shocked and then launched into a passionate argument about why “minority” women and men should participate in networking and socialization amongst themselves to battle the inequalities they face.

…I cringe as I type those words. Battle? How is it a battle? People who discriminate in that way won’t change because you get together in a group and tell them they are meanies. And a battle is not how you win the war.

I fully recognize that for some people, all they see when they look at me is the color of my skin, the shape of my eyes, and the arch of my nose. I know some people will see me, and never see past my physical self. And, I’m okay with that because there are plenty of people that I will only ever be able to judge and see for their physical attributes, and most of all…. Because I know with absolute certainty that there is more to me than my face, my skin, and my so-called minority status.

The truth of the matter is that I have grown up more privileged than most of my non-minority friends. I’ve never wanted for anything. I grew up in a idyllic town and was ushered to school in my parents’ luxury cars, and I continue to enjoy a comfortable life.

More that those simple economic facts, I know that ME as a professional transcends my physical appearance. I know that my sex and my appearance are NOT the most interesting or most important things about myself. I know that I am well educated, smart, and hardworking. I know these things and I know my value as a person. Just a person. Not a minority, not a woman, nothing else.

So why… Why would I ever change the focus of my person to my sex or physical appearance when I KNOW everything else about me is interesting and awesome? Why change the focus of my person to something so silly and invaluable? Why focus on what people “might” think to a conversation that pulls the focus from who I am? Let’s just focus on me as a person. Yes. Just me. Without being concerned with those preconceived notions, bias, and whatever else. Because at the end of the day – I am me. And I know my value without focusing on the minority. I am just a person, just let everyone else.

So. Let’s just focus on being the kickass people we are and stop changing the conversation to what we look like and our gender. We are just people.

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Dating Multiple People – My Thoughts

A couple years ago, I started dating Eric. He was charming, hilarious, and a breath of fresh air after I had gotten out of a serious and tumultuous relationship.

When we met Eric was dating two other girls. He told me that his theory was that if you dated multiple people that you’d find the one you like the best. He later told me that dating multiple girls normally made the girls try harder for his attention since he told each of the girls he dated that he dated other girls too. It’s true because I felt competition for his time, I tried harder to capture his attention. Long story short… I tried hard, he dumped the other girls because I was his favorite out of the bunch…. but by then I was bored with trying so hard so I had started to date other people. Catastrophic, I tell you.

Recently, I’ve been dipping my toe into dating and let me tell you… holy crap. It’s hard to keep everyone straight. I know that partially due to the fact that I use online dating apps, but the sheer volume of dates that I have had is exhausting. The follow up dates are even harder because I have to study up on what I’ve already told them and refresh my memory with who they are. I’m tempted to break out a notebook and spreadsheet to keep it all straight.

It has been an interesting month of multiple dates a week… but I think I might be close to tapping out. I don’t know if I found one person I like spending time with, but I’m positive I’m TIRED.

This dating this is exhausting!

 

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Tinder Chronicles: Swiping Left on People You’ve Already Dated

So continues the Tinder Chronicles… I can’t decide if I should go back and rename all these posts to make some sort of series. For now, it’s just going to be a bunch of stories.

I’m on Tinder. Doh. Keep up people. Anyways, before I was on Tinder, I used to hang out with this dude whatever right? Anyways, my friend was swiping through her Tinder and ran across his picture. She, of course, took a screen shot and sent it to me with the caption “OH HELLO THERE.”

AHAHAHAHAHAH!! Good thing she knew what he looked like so I had a good laugh!

Not a couple hours later, I was swiping away because let me tell you… Tinder is addicting. When I nearly dropped my phone… OH MY GOD. Who is that I see there except DANNY. Who is Danny you ask? Danny is a friend of a friend. We met a while back, said we’d get drinks, and then it never happened. I debated for a good minute on swiping right just so I could say “CAN WE FINALLY GET DRINKS NOW?!” But I didn’t know if he would find that funny or embarrassing. Some people are embarrassed about meeting on Tinder… personally? I don’t think it’s a big deal.

So, my decision after running across a couple profiles for men I know is to unilaterally swipe left.

 

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Tinder Date #4 – The Picnic Short a Picnic

I’m skipping dates #2-3 in my chronicles for the moment, so we’ll breeze right on to Date #4. The PICNIC.

Justin messaged me, and after a few cute exchanges, he asked to meet. I agreed. I prefer meeting earlier on, instead of carrying on these useless text exchanges because everyone is charming over text. We agreed on a meeting spot. 4:30pm and he said “I’ll take you picnicking. I’ll see you there.” It sounded terribly cute and romantic.

The meeting spot was a bit of a trek for me, but I arrived at 4:25pm on the nose. It was a beautiful outside, so instead of wandering around the nearby shops, I sat on a bench… and waited……………

I have a horrible impatience for people who are late. I just don’t like wasting my time…. so by 4:45pm I was irritated. I texted, “Not sure if I’m getting stood up. Have a nice day.” And then walked away. At 5:00pm, Justin texted saying that he had arrived. Despite my irritation, I decided to give him a chance because I was only a few blocks away and you never know! It could be fun! I love picnics!

We met. I had a sinking feeling of “omfg this is a disaster.” There was no apology for being a half hour late… but no matter we set off for our picnic. After wandering for a good 40 minutes looking for a “good spot” I realized I had been duped. Everything he had told me via text was a lie. He hadn’t graduated from a prestigious university like he told me. He didn’t run his own company, he didn’t have a full time job…. he wasn’t anything like he had told me. Not to mention his pictures were TOTALLY not an accurate representation of himself. All that aside, I kept talking and walking with him because some part of my brain was like “give him a chance.”

So Justin finally settles on a spot that is acceptable for a picnic, only to find that we have vastly different definitions of “picnic.” He unpacked his bag… one blanket, one sad orange, and one warm can of ginger ale.

ONE orange and ONE ginger ale. I kid you not. I can’t. I don’t even. Like… what?!

We chatted for a bit more, he made some snotty comments about my profession, and then I made up some excuse to leave. As I was trying to hail a cab, he bent in for a kiss… as if he deserved a kiss. I pat him on the shoulder and power walked away.

So long Justin. You were the weirdest, most bizarre person I’ve ever encountered. You were rude, weird, and presumptuous. I hope the next girl slaps you in the face.

 

 

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Tinder Date #1 – Chronicles of Hilarity

I signed up for Tinder, you know that dating app, at the end of March. My girl friend recommended it, so on a whim I downloaded the app. After a couple swipes left and right, I started chatting with Ryan. He was nice and answered all my questions. So, when he asked me on a movie date, I said yes.

We agreed on a place to meet, and as I drove up I immediately thought “THIS IS A MISTAKE!” But he had already seen me and waved, so there was no turning back. I said hi, and his immediate response? “You’re SO pretty.”

While I’m a normal girl and I do like when people tell me I’m pretty… I’m also VERY concerned when men only notice that I’m pretty or if they are in complete and utter awe as to how I’m pretty. Ryan? He was like chin on the ground about how pretty he thought I was. I guess I put up unattractive pictures of myself? Or maybe he had never been on a date with an attractive girl? Either way, I was immediately concerned… but we had planned for dinner AND a movie… Oh jesus.

Anyway, long story short – we squeaked through dinner with barely passable food and subpar conversation… The movie was no better and he FELL ASLEEP! The movie ended, and it was then my opportunity to escape! At my car, he made an attempt to kiss me. Too bad he accidentally stepped on my beautiful suede shoes and practically broke my foot.

I limped into my car while he feebly said sorry about stepping on me. He made a couple attempts at reaching out again, but I was too busy icing my foot.

Ryan was sweet and tried really hard, but in the end he was clearly out of his depth. I wish him good luck!

 

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Broken Hearts

I was talking to my sister about connecting with people… I went on a few first days and all of the men told me they felt “chemistry” and “connection” with me. I was flattered, but more than that I was curious about that feeling of chemistry and connection. My priorities have always been academic and professional success, and until now the only thing that makes my heart beat faster and makes me happy is professional or academic success. My heart’s pitterpatter is reserved for those things. I don’t know I’ve ever felt chemistry or connection like that with a person nearly as much as I have with my work and my job.

Last night, I received notice that something I had worked really hard for didn’t work out. It’s a huge professional setback, enough that I immediately thought “I might need a career change.” I woke up today with a little bit of a broken heart. I’m hurt and confused and I’m not sure what to do next.

I’m throwing myself back to into work and being a productive person…. I think it’s the best way to heal this kind of broken heart.

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Having It All

A friend and I talked about “having it all” in a partner. You know… the idea that the person you decide to spend your life with can provide you with all of the emotional, intellectual, physical, sexual… and whatever else you need.

We differed in opinion… I genuinely believe that you can’t have it all in a single person and a single relationship. Humans a social creatures, and we need a variety of different relationships with differing people and with different opinions to feel fulfilled. From my own personal experience, I know this to be true.

I had a relationship a while ago, and the man I was dating felt that he and he alone should be the only person I ever needed to interact with. He was insanely jealous of any other relationship I had… whether I was continuing a friendship with my group of girl friends or with colleagues. So I asked him… and he told me that for him, I was all he ever needed. For a while I was flattered, and curious as to how one single person could fulfill his every need. Turns out, he lied. It wasn’t long before I found out about all of the other women that he closeted away with trying to find another person to fulfill other needs in his life. I don’t blame him at all… we all need more than one relationship to be happy. It’s just a matter of being a mature and honest person about your needs.

I have a close friend. He’s very happily married. He and I speak 2 or 3 times a week… and I am his first call when he needs to talk something through. He once told me his wife teased him about needing to talk to me about his work related problems… but the fact of the matter is, he would rather talk to me about work than his wife. Why? Because for him, he only wants to focus on the life he has built with his wife, and not dirty the conversation with inane work problems. Our friendship is based on our mutual need to vent about work. In fact, we barely talk about anything other than work. And, again, the most important part? He’s honest about his need to talk about work with someone other than his wife. She and I know each other, and know our friendship is only about work.

It’s an interesting dynamic, and I’ve had other friends comment on it. They ask if I ever feel uncomfortable about having such a close relationship with a married man, and I have to say I do think about it for the sake of propriety but it’s a mature friendship that is based on supporting each other in the professional world. Something that we both need, and don’t want from our partners in life.

What are your thoughts?

 

 

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The Pursuit of Being Better

Like everyone, I struggle with decisions. Sometimes I have trouble differentiating between right and wrong, or need versus want. I think a lot about the decisions that I make, because I know that these decisions will affect my life and the lives of people around me… and I struggle a lot with decisions that I have to make where I don’t want to do that, but I know it is the better choice.

I recently decided that I need to strive to be better in every aspect of my life… personal, professional, whatever it might be. It’s been a struggle… because sometimes I just want to do things that I know are going to have a less than positive outcome.

Here’s to the continued struggle to being better… the pursuit of being a better person.

 

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Knowing.

I was talking to a good friend, and he asked me if I had ever been in love. I didn’t have an answer. Then he asked if I had ever felt like “one had gotten away.” And to this… I did.

A long time ago, I dated a good friend of mine. A and I were good friends first, and eventually dated. He lived far away, so eventually things faded away with the distance and time. Because things just faded, there was never that jarring “end” to our story… and so I always wondered.

With all of the other men I had dated, I always said there is a reason they are an ex, and I always had that reason right off the top of my head. But with A, I never had that reason… it was shitty timing and distance but never anything about him that was the reason for the “ex.”

For a very long time after we stopped seeing each other, I compared every other man to him. Over time I realized the reason that A understood me so perfectly is because we were friends first, and he understood what made me happy as a person, and not as a girlfriend. And I held out hope, that maybe we would reunite and it would be as magical and wonderful as it had been before. Just a small flicker of hope, because my rational head knew that my heart could be playing tricks on me.

Two years ago, I still felt the flutter and the spark when we saw each other, but I hesitated. I’ve always been a person that follows my gut, and that hesitation made me think again about rekindling our relationship. Then a few weeks ago, he was in town on business, so I went to see him for dinner. I knew I had to see him and finally close the book on whether or not A and I were a thing. It’s been years and years of back and forth… and I deserve to move on and be happy. So when he was in town, I went to see him for dinner.

 

We had a great time, and as I get older I realize how important good friends are… which is what he is. A good friend. I finally know with absolute clarity… he is not the love of my life, he is not the one that got away. He is everything I remember – but simply not mine. I don’t know how I know, but I know this time.

It’s a little sad, but it’s also so liberating that I can finally close that chapter of my life and my heart. So. Here is to the next step. I’m not sure what, but I feel like there is a clean piece of paper in front of me now.

 

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