Monthly Archives: October 2014

Forgiveness and Punishment

Matt is breaking my heart and I just don’t know if he knows or cares anymore.

We used to be at this place where we understood each other, and made time for each other. A summer apart, and we still managed to talk as much as we could… but after a summer apart maybe it’s an illusion of what used to be and what could have been. Maybe it’s because I can’t fathom giving up after waiting for so long to be together. We waited. We put in the effort and the time – so why is it so hard to just be together and not resent each other?

I thought he didn’t want me anymore – so I gave him an out, and he resoundingly told me that he was still in this with me. Now, I’m just not sure. I was angry and said some things… I apologized but now this weird space we are in is even worse. I can’t help but feeling like his silence and refusal to meet me halfway is his way of punishing me. Punishing me for being a little jealous of his time and being a little angry that I don’t feel cared for. I felt neglected and when I said it – he was angry. My feelings haven’t changed – in fact, I feel even more neglected, and now I feel like it is purposeful instead of accidental.

I asked for forgiveness when I was angry and took it out on him – and while he said he was over it. I don’t think he is. I don’t know if he realizes that he isn’t over it and I don’t know if he consciously knows that he is punishing me.

So here we are, with me and my broken heart – and I just don’t know how we got here, if we are ever leaving, and if this is even worth it. Maybe I was right – maybe this was just an illusion and this was never worth it.

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